The sexual revolution has increased the quantity of sex, but not the quality. The so-called sexual freedom has actually imposed new unreasonable norms, standards and restrictions.
Now women are almost supposed to enjoy random sex with anyone, supposed to have spontaneous desire and supposed to love quickies. We cannot deny the impact of the spread of porn in this. Porn pages have more hits than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined.
Many women think there is something “wrong” with them if they don’t enjoy this kind of sex, and so many women actually damage themselves by attempting to meet such new free norms.
I recently read a chapter from Bhagavad Gita, with commentary from Yogananda Paramahansa. His pondering on “free love” really resonated with me based on numerous stories I’ve heard from women and I could deeply relate personally.
Yogananda says that “slavery to sex is seldom based on love, and it is never free”. When we are enslaved to our natural instincts, we more often than not end up suffering. Sexual energy should be treated with respect, not as something sinful to be suppressed, but as something sacred to be honoured.
I’ve heard from countless women who have jumped into their period of “one-night-stands” in life. Rarely have I heard, that any of them reached deep sexual satisfaction with it. Why? It is so important to check your motivation. Most women are not enjoying “free love”, instead they are so deprived of love, and hope that giving their bodies sexually, will make the man love them. Or they hope that if they have lots of sex with different men, they will discover true pleasure eventually, practice makes perfect…rarely do they reach their desired goal.
In partnerships, many women have ingrained in their subconscious the belief that as a good woman, it is their obligation to give sex to a man.
As a result, if we “give sex”, we maintain harmony in the relationship. Women do it out of obligation, to be good women, to keep the relationship, so the partner wouldn’t cheat or leave them.
If you look deeper into the motivation, the core of why to have sex is fear, which often reflects our general deepest fear, the fear of being alone.
Many women give their bodies, yes also to their beloved husbands, to be loved.
Many women dress and expose themselves sexually, but the base motivation is not to enjoy sex and pleasure but to be loved.
But how can you experience love in sexuality if you don’t value your body? If you don’t value yourself as a woman? Allowing a man to enter you, doesn’t fulfil you with the love you long for, nor does keep him by your side,
But seemingly in a relationship, it may seem, that you feel less lonely. If you have someone, and to keep that superficial feeling, you continue to give sex.
If we strive to find comfort in this loneliness from a partner, or from sex, by giving our bodies, we never reach our hearts longing to experience love.
Being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily lessen the feeling of loneliness. Another cannot make you happy nor make you feel less lonely. It is an illusion which always breaks. Sooner or later.
Sexuality shows us our naked truth.
Sex doesn’t lie, you are naked. This is your naked truth. In sexuality, at some point, we simply cannot lie to ourselves any more.
Your eyes are opened and you see.
Giving sex out of obligation without enjoying it yourself will get you nowhere. Abusing your own body will not make a man love you. If we conform to someone else’s STANDARD to please at the expense of ourselves, we cannot reach a state of love.
He can’t love you if you don’t love yourself. This self-love I am talking about is not “healthy egoism”, which is also very useful and necessary and probably a great first step. But it’s a connection to something deeper, in yourself.
So it is crucial we stop pleasing others at our own expense out of lack of love we feel within, but start connecting to our hearts and allow them to open firstly to ourselves.
CREATE YOUR OWN STANDARD
Women need to realize that there is most likely nothing wrong with them if they are not enjoying sex, “the way you are supposed to be enjoying it”. They are just women experiencing sexuality in its feminine nature and such a perspective on sexuality, its appreciation and understanding, has not been sufficiently widespread in society and knowledge has not been consolidated. Female sexuality cannot be reduced to the vagina and physical arousal, which is why it is not possible to invent Viagra for women. Excitement of the physical body often does not equate to deep subjective satisfaction. So sexuality hasn’t actually become more free, instead, new standards have become prevalent, which just don’t suit many women.
So many women feel there is something wrong with them when it comes to sexuality. You are too much. You are too complicated. You’re taking too long. They blame themselves and think of themselves as broken, blocked, frigid, and guilty and thus the problem is with them as they are not enjoying sex, they should be the ones changing themselves. This is where women go wrong.
Who said that slow is worse than fast? Why is “too much” worse than “something less”? Why is complex worse than simple? Who created these standards and decided that something is “right” and “good” in sexuality that everyone needs to conform to opposing the contrast?
Is there something wrong with us if we conform to someone’s standard that doesn’t suit us? Most women feel that there is something wrong with them. Couldn’t the fault be instead that we don’t listen to our own needs and don’t dare to listen to them? Maybe then the sexual “problem” would also disappear, if we dared to be who we are and admit the desires that we really have.
So many women are so good at suppressing their needs, lessening themselves and making themselves guilty in their sexual challenges. Suffering in silence and self-sacrifice to be pleasant and good. Not demanding. Certainly not demanding.
You have body wisdom, intuition, and heart. We know the answers within ourselves. If you want to experience depth in sexuality, you have to experience depth in yourself. In silence.
As a woman, start trusting your body, and your intuition, what is sex really for you? What do you really need? As a man, start listening and noticing your wife. Forget all the movies and porn and magazines you’ve learned about sex from. Forget genitalia and penetration. Start over to connect with yourself to your core and create the kind of sexuality that works for the two of you. What nourishes. What fills. What gives life energy? Which gives depth. What creates value? Take a white sheet. Look into the eyes of your partner. Confess your fears to each other. Share your joys with each other. Be who you are. Honest, sincere. Maybe you are not connected to your needs, allow yourself time and space to discover them.
So rewrite Your Story by listening to Your Body, your mind, your likes, your dislikes. No two are alike, and no one is better than the other. Just different!