We spent a lovely night on the warm beach, cuddling and watching the stars. As we were about to depart our ways, he approached to hug me. I jumped away in fear…
Just an innocent, supportive hug. My body thought it was an attack.
It was then I realized how much suppressed fear I was holding within me, deep in every cell of my body.
On another occasion, I was about to have intercourse with a man I had decided previously I would not want to have intercourse. However, we still met… I was still attracted to him to a certain level…he held me…I got aroused…things went the way they went…he entered me…I burst out crying…he came out…held me…
After I had sobbed everything out…he asked, “Karolin, has anyone ever hurt you?” I thought about it. That question hit me. “No,” I said, I’ve had only lovely considerate partners.” Ignorant and uneducated perhaps some, but not intentionally forceful in any way.
… So if I’ve had only lovely considerate partners. Why is it my body refuses to open up to a man? Why is it, that my vagina keeps the doors shut? Why is it that I jump away with fear when a man is trying to hug me?
I thought I had worked through these issues.
And I had. On a mental level. Found all the explanations in my head to make “everything OK”. Smiling away, being sexually “oh-so-open”. But my body didn’t buy it. Still doesn’t.
My body tells a different story. I haven’t gone deep enough in self-love, acceptance, and depth of my own truth for my body to start cooperating with my mind. One needs to go to the depths of the mind to connect to the body and depths of the body to penetrate the mind. Superficiality doesn’t do it. Positive statements don’t do it. Passing of time doesn’t do it. Listening to your body’s truth and aligning it with your mind does it. And then the work is together. Body and mind. Mind and body. They are inseparable. If we want to experience the depth, both need to be considered.
It is useful to take some time after regular intervals, and check, truly connect to your own feminine essence, to the woman in you, and ask, how are you? How is she doing? This is not a question of whether your finances are OK, your kids healthy, your relationship in harmony, and your career on the go. This is a question of how is she feeling? How is the woman in you? Sit silently, go into the depths of your heart and see the image. Is she OK? What does she need? How can you support her? What do you need to let go of? What do you need to pay more attention to? It is also not a theoretical question. Practice needs to follow. Implications need to follow. We need to take care of our own feminine essence, nobody can do this for us. Yes, they can support, and support may be necessary, but nobody can not do it for us. Our connection to our own truth is our responsibility. To do that we first need to notice, become aware, then get motivated to change, experience honesty. Outer circumstances are not always the ones to focus on for it is the inner perceptions that need reprogramming. And to reeducate our habits may take time and patience and love. But the transformation from fear of sex to the love of sex, from fear of life with love of life is worth the time and practice.