With Pain No Gain


We are so used to the notion that no pain, no gain. When it comes to sexuality WITH PAIN, NO GAIN! 

Pain in intimacy is super-prevalent and there are so many misconceptions around it. 

Let’s begin with an intimate massage. If a woman receives an intimate massage and feels pain, many therapists and teachers who do it would say, that the woman is blocked. The fact that she is experiencing pain is showing some blockages in the vagina, and a good way to release them is to massage this pain out. They would encourage you to cry and even scream, to release this pain and blockage, saying it is a great release if you do so and this kind of therapy would open you to deep vaginal orgasms. 

Let’s put things into perspective. If you gave a genital massage to a man, a testicle massage, penis massage, and a man would feel pain, and you would squeeze even stronger and say to the man that the fact that you are experiencing pain shows that you have blockages, let me squeeze stronger, you scream, you cry this blockage out, and believe you me, that afterwards, your penis will feel deep pleasure. Or if I would enter into a man’s anus forcefully when it is not ready, and I would say, you are very blocked that you experience discomfort at this point, let this blockage go and then you’ll experience deep bliss… 

I hope you understand how brutal this is.


There is a very widespread myth that comes with this, which is called yoni mapping. With yoni mapping, you either give yourself an intimate massage or have a “professional” therapist do it for you, exploring your yoni and mapping the areas of numbness, pain, and pleasure. 

What is important is to realize that your map is going to be completely different depending on the context, how relaxed you are, how aroused you are at the moment of entering, do you trust the person giving it, do you feel safe in the setting… If you enter yourself or another person enters you, you may get a map telling you your yoni is numb and painful in many areas. This is a terrible misunderstanding. Your yoni is absolutely fine. If someone enters when you are truly ready to be entered, both physically, emotionally and mentally, then you will get a completely different map. There is nothing wrong with your yoni, what is wrong is to enter it when you are not ready and then convince you with the conclusion that you are blocked… 

So the focus shouldn’t be massaging the yoni, that is not a way to release tension. The focus should be being aroused BEFORE any kind of penetration. If you are aroused and ready, you won’t feel any blockages or pain. You need to feel safe and relaxed, and if the context doesn’t provide you with that, there is nothing wrong with you. 


So many women experience and tolerate pain during intercourse. And they do this for years, and they do this for decades. Because if they don’t give sex to a man, the man would get upset, the man would get frustrated, the man may leave them, and the man may go look for a “normal woman” who would give sex. 

Women, you are not containers, where men have the right to discharge their sperm. You are not containers, where the man has the right to discharge their sexual frustration. Let’s turn it around. Let’s say there is a woman and she is very sexual, and she is not satisfied. And she gets frustrated and she says to her dear partner, I need to get rid of this build-up of sexual energy and frustration within me, there is just too much tension. Dear one, give me your genitals, let me hit them because I need to express my sexual frustration to you. And if a man would receive a hit from his partner daily for years, and would experience pain. Would this be normal? Would this be acceptable? 

When there is a football match and the men prepare to defend, and the ball starts coming towards them, where do they put their hands for protection? They protect their genitals because they are gentle. Male genitals are also very gentle and vulnerable. But in a sexual context when the penis enters the vagina, then for the penis it is soft, good, safe. But in this context, female genitalia are gentle, and something very hard and often forceful enters. And female genitalia are just as vulnerable. And they should be treated as such. 

It is not OK to tolerate pain. And nothing is wrong with you if you feel pain. It is not your fault! If a man gets hit with a ball to their genitals, there is nothing wrong with him that he feels pain, there is no blockage. 

It is so important that we would understand how tender we are. All genders. How tender our genitals are. And we need to approach them with respect and love. We need to connect to our hearts, as women we need to forgive ourselves and our bodies to have allowed and accepted pain, and we need to forgive men who knowing that it is painful, for some reason continue on causing pain. Because we cannot approach this with blaming, hatred and revenge. 

We need to approach this by becoming vulnerable, talking about it, and connecting to the heart. And by taking care of our bodies and our partner’s bodies. You need to understand that pain during penetration is not acceptable, EVER.